“Aerbut’s retaern from ther front”

(being the experiences of A. P., as related to Gaertie, in hospital, after his return from "somewhere in France.")

 

' Allo Gaertie, 'ow's ther waerld a usin' yer? Yo sit dahn on ther faerthest corner of ther bed, and I wunt 'arf tell yer summat. As yo know, it wos ther thaerty-faerst of Feberuary when us went ter France, on a Thaersday, and we went in an excaershun steamer from Southampton to a plaerce called Havver, wot them French corl " Havre." Theer wos a Caernol in charge of us lot, ther Thaerteenth Brigade, which wos Warwicks, Daerbyshires, and sum other mob, as I ain't caertin abart. Well, ther weather on ther day as we went wos a bit daerty, I give yer my aerly baerd, and them blokes wot 'ad clicked fer a bit of fat baercon fer breakfast, and 'ad a few Waerthingtons to keep ther naerves up, daint 'arf know abart it neyther. Ther boat as we wos on 'eld abart thaerteen hundred, accordin' to ther sustificate as wos 'ung up, and ther wos fower thousand on us, and 'im as wanted ter look overboard like on account of ther daerty weather 'ad ter get theer faerst, I'm tellin' yer. It wornt 'arf a long jaerney, and I lorst me 'aversack, and me brekfust, and when we gets ter Havver, they shoved orl on us inter French billets. Well, I wish as I'd a laernt a few mower French wacrds and orl. Theer wos ther gaffer of ther 'ouse—an old French maerchant in a blue jaersey— and 'e savs " Bon jooer, moonsoor, voos ates summat or other." I says, "Orl as I've 'ad ter ate I've fieekin' well lorst, and if yo've got anythin' in ther way o' grub, yo taern it up, and I'll give it a good 'ome." Well, yo'd 'ave thought as they'd a laernt summat bv then, but 'e daint know a waerd, so I points ter my food garage likes this-, and lumme, 'e went and brought me a fleekin' toothbrush ! Well, I knows as ther French fer bread wos " pain," 'cos a bloke wot 'ad been at Staerchlev night school told me, so I says, " Pain, pain," and 'e says, " Ah, moonseer 'as ze pain. Ees it in ze leetle mary, yes, no?" and 'e brings me a fleekin' poultice. I nearly wiped 'im across ther faarce wi' it an orl. Theer wos fower on us in ther 'ouse altogether, and ther old mon and 'is missis, and ther daughter—a young French gaerl. I orlways 'eard as them French wenches wos a bit ot orlright, but this 'un 'ad got a faarce like a cold pertater. 'Er wos orlright though, and yo could tell as 'er wos a lydy, becors 'er never blowed on 'er coffee when 'er 'ad it in ther saucer. She says, " Parlez vous Froncais " ter me, and I says, " Oui, not ze perishin' 'arf, 'ave a bernarner, bong swore mamerselle." 'Er baerst out larfin' and I says, "Quel vous a smaerkin at?" Just as we wos getting ter understand one another, 'er old mon cum in, an' taerned the lights out, which I thought wos a bit daerty. Well, us got marchin' orders next mornin', and ther French maerchant and 'is family taerned out ter wish us "good mornin'." 'E says, " Viev L'Anglais," and I says, " Ooray fer ther fleekin' French," an' then we marched fer twenty-fower miles. I wos just thinkin' 'ow a bottle of Waerthington and a bit of sheep's jimmy would go dahn when they saerves out a piece of 'ard beef, and a couple of biscuits as 'ard as caerbstones, stops us at a daerty little village summat like Digbeth, and shoves fowerty-three of my company ter sleep in a staerble in some daerty straw with some 'osses. And 'osses wornt ther only animals as we found in theer neyther. It made me wish as I'd got a bottle of vaermin killer and a steel shaert. It wos fower o'clock in ther mornin' afore I wos asleep, and then ther sergeant rousts us up, and says as 'ow when we'd marched thaerteen miles we'd get sum breakfast—with luck. Well, us did ther thaerteen miles, and daint see 'ardly nobody, only a tew French wenches asking fer ' souveneers,' and at ther thaerteenth mile I 'adn't got a button on me tunic. I tell yer if it 'ad bin fowerteen miles theer wouldn't 'ave bin nothin' ter fasten me braerces on to, and 'old me trousis up, if I 'adn't 'ave 'ad a belt. And when we did get theer, d'yo think they'd got any breakfast? No fleekin' fear, ther army cook, or ther food foreman, or wotever yer call 'im, 'ad bin and forgot ower kidneys and baacon and coffee, and 'ot rolls a la France, and orl we got wos some raw taernips out of a field, and ten minutes ter blow yerself out with 'em, and then another fower miles, and just as we'd started we 'ears a bang like them firevvearks as we 'ad at ther Reservoyer. I says " Strewth, wot's up ? " Ower Sergeant says, " That's a shell a baerstin'." I says, " Oo, is it ? Well, if it 'ad bin much nearer I aint givin' a lot fer my perishin' ear'ole— wheer are we ? " And yo could 'ave knocked me dahn with a brick. 'E says, " IN THE FIRIN' LINE!" Well, that done it. I says, " Oo, maerder ! Are them blokes in front Gaermans?" 'E says, "Ah, not bloomin' 'arf," so I says, " Righto, then that little fat'un wot wos a bicycle dealer at ther Rag Market in Baernegum's agooin' to cop out." And 'e did, I gi' yer my waerd, 'cos just then ower officer, wot wos a soliciter, and once got me orf when I'd bashed a copper's fleekin' 'ead in fer arrestin' Aernest Waermington when 'e daint do nothin' (except clout another copper on ther ear'ole when 'e fleekin' well desaerved it), ower officer, 'e says, "Are yo ready ter goo fer 'em, lads ?" I says, " Ah, like Small 'Eath 'ud goo fer Baernley." So 'e says, " Charge," and I 'opped over the parapet with ower lot (and I daint 'arf mek a mess o' me trousis with theer perishin' barbed wire and orl), and I goos fer that chap wot once sold me a Gaerman three-speed, and says it wos a " Staermy-Archer." Well, 'e 'ovvled out " Maercy," and I says, " Maercy be blowed, wot abart them thaerteen shillings fer a brake as wornt waerth ninepence ?" I done 'im in orlright, and ther next I knew summat abart anythink I wos 'ere. Yo cum agen next Thaersday on visitiu' day, and I wunt 'arf tell yer summat abart them Gaermans as'll mek yer 'air caerl. So long, yo better 'op it now, 'cos 'eres my naerse a comin'. An' yo might bring us sum Woodbines next time —I'm skint.